Life Update.

Life has been astonishingly busy of late, and mostly that's been nice, although I could have done without the cold I think I got from not having three seconds to rest during the month of May. Oh well. You might have noticed that I didn't post here at all during the month of May and that this post is coming out on the very last day of June even though I was doing pretty well for the first four months of this year. All I can say is that life got crazy and it's pretty hard to write blog posts without a personal laptop. Shoutout to my friend Natasha who gave me her old iPad mini and even the little keyboard attachment that goes with it so that I could download things to watch on Netflix when I have wifi and watch things like Riverdale and Queer Eye (her suggestions) and which I've so far only used to read ebooks with. But it's also what I'm currently writing this blog post with, so I am grateful if bad at following directions/watching tv. Sue me.

Anyway, here are some of the things I've been up to in the past two months-ish. 

I went to Minnesota for a weekend and got to visit with many of the people I know and love there. It was really wonderful, although I wouldn't have hated having more time to spend than just Friday night through Monday morning. When I left Maine that day, it was still really cold here and hadn't really started feeling super Spring-y yet, and when I stepped out of the airport in Minnesota it was a balmy 74 DEGREES at 10pm. I was so pleased! My friend Sarah picked me up and we went to Pat's Tap and sat on the patio and ate cheese curds and caught up on life. Bliss, I tell you. 

I stayed with my friend Kendra, who was gracious enough to host me for the weekend even though it was the same weekend her boyfriend was moving in (whoops, my timing has rarely been excellent.) and it was really wonderful to get to catch up with her a bunch, too. On Saturday morning I headed out to get my hair officially un-purpled at my favorite salon in Minneapolis, because it'd been a while since I had a haircut I really loved. 

After my haircut I went back to Kendra's and we made our way to Northeast Minneapolis to check out art-a-whirl, which is a big art selling event that happens over a whole weekend, and also to meet up with my brother Jon and his girlfriend. We walked around for a while with them, checked out some cool art booths, chit chatted, whatever. Then Kendra and I headed out to the suburbs for dinner with my favorite family of ten. Well, actually, we visited the Johnson kids at the house for a while and then Nate drove Jen, Sarah, Kendra, and I to dinner in his new "dad van." (Shout out to Bethany for watching the kids so we could go out. That's not a fun thing to be stuck doing, but we appreciate that you did it!)

On Sunday, I went to the Kingfield Farmer's Market, which is tiny but lovely. Farmer's markets were something I loved about living in the city. Granted, Hallowell has a weekly farmer's market, too, but it only has like three booths and it's not the same. Then we walked around Lake Harriet and did some regular old errands and went to eat some yummy food at Hai-Hai and then went to IZZY'S where I bought an entire pint of midnight snack ice cream because it wasn't available as a flavor to get scoops of. #noregrets

That evening I went over to eat dinner with my former bosses from SiP and visit with them and their kids. It was really lovely to see them and catch up, especially since I got to see one's new house and hear about how the other just bought a house and it kind of blows my mind how much things can change in such a small amount of time. By the time I was done visiting with them, Kendra and Brian were already turned in for the night (I guess some people are better at going to sleep on time when they have to work in the morning....weird.) so I just headed straight to bed, too. In the morning my brother came to pick me up at Kendra's and then we got some coffee before hitting the road.






It was a long drive. Some ridiculous things happened over the course of the two day drive (like the part where the driver's side wiper went flying off as I took an exit just outside of Chicago in about five lanes of traffic and I couldn't see anything anymore cause the rain was no longer getting wiped away. Or the time my brother tried to get out of the car when we were at customs going into Canada because he didn't know that you should DEFINITELY NOT GET OUT OF THE CAR WHEN THERE ARE BORDER AGENTS WITH GUNS AROUND!!! You know, normal stuff like that.) but I'm not going to get into all of that. Suffice it to say that by the end of driving day two I was ready to not be in the car with him anymore.

A bunch of normal life stuff has happened since then, too, not least of which was my mom getting married (okay, that might not quite qualify as "normal life stuff" but whatever...) and getting a new position at my job with a lot more responsibility and just having very little time for anything at all. I also have a state park pass that gets a whole car full of people into Maine's parks, and I've been trying to utilize it every weekend. I've been to Popham a couple times and went to Damariscotta Lake with my friend Hailey and her kids one day, too. So if any of you want to hit up a state park beach this summer, let me know!





I'm attempting to do the expert level summer reading challenge on Goodreads, which means reading books that fulfill about ten categories for each June, July, and August (find it here). That's probably something I can do, except I forgot about it until June 20th which means I' started off pretty far behind....I think I'm only going to read books for mayyyybe 7 of the 11 categories for this month. Oh well. I have my whole list picked out for July, so I should do much better with that list.

And maybe I'll even write more than one blog post in the next two months. WHO KNOWS?!?!

On Potable Water

As any of you who live or work near me probably know, my town is currently under construction. They're tearing up the main road in order to level it out because it's basically been a huge hump my entire life. They named the project "Down with the Crown" which is actually pretty clever. Anyway the construction started at the beginning of April when they tore up the Northbound side of the road and the Southbound side won't be done until November (fingers crossed it actually gets done early, but we'll see!) with a "ceasefire" for the month of July. The traffic all got rerouted so there are a bunch of one way streets and it's a real pain but ultimately isn't that big of a deal.

Unfortunately, on Monday they hit a water main. My mom came over to my apartment to ask if my water was working and when I turned it on, it was just a trickle. Then we discovered letters telling us that the construction had hit the water main and that we'd need to boil all our water before drinking it or brushing our teeth with it until Friday, when the test results would come back. May I remind you that it was MONDAY at this point?!?! And when I tried to wash my dishes later that night it came out of the faucet brown. Decidedly not potable.

(Side note: my friend Lexi from China Lake Camp is the person who taught me about the difference between potable and palatable water. Potable means safe to drink, palatable means tasty. Plenty of water is potable but not palatable. But when a sign tells you there's no potable water available at a spigot or something, you got problems. So this whole no potable water in my town thing keeps reminding me of my friend Lexi. Kind of a silver lining!)

Luckily I had a jug of water in my fridge that I could use for drinking that night and brushing my teeth (Although let's be real, I totally kept accidentally using the tap water to rinse my toothbrush because it's just a habit, ya know? But I haven't died- or even gotten sick- yet!) and I decided to just not do my dishes. It was a bit of a struggle finding clean dishes, but the good news is that my mom lives right next door and she has about a zillion, so it was all good.

And, ultimately, Friday came around and I found out that the water is, in fact, safe to drink. Life as usual resumed. The week was a bit of a pain in the ass, but all things considered it was a pretty minimal impact. When I was at work I filled up my water bottles to make sure that I would have water to drink, and my toilet still worked and I was able to shower in my water. I just couldn't actually consume any of the water. It wasn't potable.

Here's the thing though: at no point in that week was I ever unable to get clean water. See, even if I hadn't had a safe water source at work every day I could have just boiled some water for five minutes and it would've been fine. I never bothered to do that because I didn't actually need to and also because my only pot is one that holds about three cups of water and I just figured it wasn't worth the effort to sterilize water in such small quantities. But if I'd needed to, I could have. Or I could have borrowed a larger pot from someone. I had many options at my disposal for how to manage my mini water crisis.

You know who doesn't have that? The residents of Flint, Michigan.

I went four days without in-home access to drinking water. It has been over two years since the residents of Flint found out that they didn't have drinkable water. And it's been over four years since their water was safe to drink and they didn't even know about it. But that's not even their biggest issue- their water is full of lead and other chemicals that aren't safe to bathe in, either. When they take showers and baths, they get rashes. The lead absorbs through their skin and causes internal bleeding! That is way WAY worse than anything I dealt with.

Here's something I read about a while ago: parents in Flint have to keep paying for their deadly water because children living in a house without running water could be taken away by Child Protective Services. COOL. You might be wondering why they wouldn't just move away. Well, first of all that's not always something people have the resources to do. But you know what another factor is that I just learned? People who live there aren't able to sell their houses (not that anyone would want to move there and buy them anyway) because it is illegal to sell a house with leaded water.

How many of you would be able to pick up and move your family somewhere safe and just eat the cost of the house you own? Probably not many. These people are literally trapped by the legal system, and their government recently ended its bottled water distribution for them. Meanwhile, the state of Michigan just granted access to Nestle to pump 100 million gallons of groundwater for basically no cost. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Something is seriously wrong with the world. It makes me sick.

Something needs to be done for those people, and the answer for sure isn't just ignoring the problem. It is absolutely unthinkable that the government hasn't stepped in to rectify this situation. It is horrific that here in America, where we consider ourselves one of the leaders in health and safety of our citizens, we have allowed this water crisis to go on for so long. I am ashamed. We should all be ashamed. Consider the fact that we just bombed Syria because of their chemical weapons attack (first of all, bombing another country because of their acts of war and aggression makes ZERO sense to me, but that's another story) and then think about the way we have responded as a nation to SO MANY humans rights violations here. If the rest of the world conducted themselves the way we do, the United States should have been bombed for the ongoing poisoning of an entire city for YEARS. It is absolute insanity.

On a slightly more positive note, below is a video that I saw the other day that gives me hope. I don't think that this girl's invention is going to be able to help the people in Flint directly (they already know their water is poisonous), but it absolutely blows my mind that a child can see a problem in the world and have more sympathy toward it than the United States government and actually do something about it. This kid is my hero. I hope she continues for the rest of her life to be as persistent and dedicated to making the world a better place as she is as a twelve year old. I wish that half of our elected leaders were as moved to help the people of this country as this girl is. I hope that someday we learn how to take care of each other a little better.

Book Club!

I've mentioned a couple times here about the book club I'm in now. It's pretty great, so I wanted to share a little bit about that.

Now, despite loving books a whole awful lot, I was never in a regularly meeting book club until now. I believe there was one that my high school library ran, but they never seemed to be reading books I was interested in (which is ridiculous, because I know for a fact that book club is the reason I heard of the Glass Castle which is a book I loved immensely, I just didn't read it when they did or participate in the book club). Also, it was recently brought to my attention that in my 27 things about being 27 post I said that I'm in a book club for the first time in my life which is not, in fact, true. When I wrote that, I was just thinking about book clubs in the traditional sense. But I was, in fact, in another book club a few years ago with some of the kids I used to take care of who aren't really kids anymore (they are all currently in high school). It didn't come to mind when I thought about regular book club gatherings, because we skyped each other and since I didn't have a computer at the time (how come I never seem to have a computer?! *eye roll*) and multi-person skype calls don't work on phones,  I could only ever voice call into the meetings, and couldn't see anyone. It didn't really have the same communal vibe that my current book club has. I do admit, though, that it was an error to claim that this book club is the first I've ever been in. Because that other one was definitely a book club and we definitely read all seven Harry Potter books and had virtual meetings to talk about them. So I stand officially and publicly corrected. (Happy now, Tricia??) Anyway, back to the topic of my current book club! In July I asked some local women approximately my age if they wanted to have a book club and they seemed all for it.

At the time I was funemployed and kept buying books nonstop, so I had all sorts of books on my shelves that I hadn't yet read. I asked if they were interested in reading The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter and How to Make the Most of them Now with me. They agreed. We proceeded to pass around the same copy of the book and never find a time to meet up and talk about it. In December, when we still hadn't met up to talk about it, we decided to pick a completely new book and a date in January and start this whole thing off for real.

And wouldn't you know, that actually worked for us! See, we learn?!?! A few more people ended up joining, too, and so in January six of us met to eat food and hang out and discuss The Wonder by Emma Donogue (who also wrote Room). It was immensely fun.

In February we read All the Single Ladies by Rebecca Traisor, which was less fun but was really really good. It's all about how women are increasingly choosing to wait to get married (and have children) until they are much older than ever before historically and how that impacts the society we live in right now. It was a heavy read, but was fascinating all the same. It was also really cool to talk about it with a bunch of young, unmarried women.

On Monday night we met up to talk about The Power by Naomi Alderman. The book was INTENSE. The premise is that it’s written a few thousand years from now, but in a world fairly similar to our own with one notable exeption; women have evolved to be the more powerful of the two standard sexes. The book is written as a history, cataloguing events from many different primary characters throughout about a decade of time that presumably takes place now and for the next ten years. It was really interesting. It was fascinating to see how the author examined the effects of power on the human psyche. She really challenged us to think about the way that humanity has shown itself to act, regardless of sex or gender, and how the idea that women would run the world in a more peaceful way than men. It was thought provoking and disturbing and, ultimately, a really good book for us to read as a follow-up to All the Single Ladies.

We haven’t yet picked our next book, but I’m sure it’ll also be great.

Oh, we also make/eat yummy food and often drink wine. So like no complaining there, either. 

A Moment of Celebration.

Some of you might remember when I bought my car. I never gave it its own post, but I did mention that I’d bought my first car in this update about my life back in July of 2015. It was a big deal at the time. And really, it still is. I had to navigate that whole process by myself and it was scary and overwhelming and I made a mechanic tell me whether or not I should buy the car. He said I should- thanks for that advice, dude!

In the intervening two and a half years my car has served me well. I’ve driven it all over the country and it successfully brought me to work when I had to drive a half hour on the highway to get there. Now I mostly just drive within five miles of my house with it, but that’s cool too. It gets great gas mileage- my $25 tank fill up usually lasts me a week or more.

Anyway, the point of this post is to say that as of today

 I’ve got my car fully paid off! 

It is a good feeling. It took me two years and eight months (which is still two years and four months early, so that’s solid) but it is finally over.

Here's a picture of the receipt I got from my credit union after the teller transferred money onto my loan. (She circled the 0.00 balance for me haha)

I did all the math on my student loans earlier this month, too, and determined that I might be able to pay off all of my debt by the time I’m 29, which is kind of exciting. A few years ago I made a five year plan to pay off my car and my student loans and since I was 25 at the time, I figured I’d get it all paid off by 30 and was fairly excited about that. And now it seems I might actually get it done a year ahead of schedule.

Although things happen. The way I plan my life isn’t always how it goes and any number of things could derail my financial plans. Like if I want to move away to the California sunshine (which I DO), my living expenses will go up considerably. And then maybe I won’t be debt free by 29. But that’s okay. Also, I’m pretty sure that (barring long-term unemployment) I’ll definitely be able to pay it all off by the time I’m 30 even if I do move. And that’s a nice thought.

In other news, if you hadn’t already noticed: I am completely OCD about money and paying bills. COOL!

The District Sleeps Alone Tonight.

A couple months ago Facebook told me that one of my absolute favorite books from high school (and of all time, let's be real here) was being turned into a play and performed by high schoolers. Obviously I thought that was really cool, but assumed that it would be something that happened far away from my life in Maine and thus not really something I would get to see. But I looked it up anyway. The theatre where it was being produced was in Maryland. And wouldn’t you know, it was only like 15 minutes away from where my friend Natasha lives right now! AND she loved the book in high school too. So pretty much immediately after checking that Natasha would actually be around then, I bought us tickets to the show and planned a trip down to DC for last weekend.

It was really really fun. When I got in, we met up and got dinner in the city at a restaurant that I’d seen good things about in some list of DC restaurants published recently on the the internet called Royal. After dinner, we headed to a different bar and got boozy milkshakes with french fries because of course we did. They were delicious and completely worth it. By the time we got in for the night, it was nearly 12 and I was soooooo tired. Working all day and then flying take a lot out of a girl. Also, I’m getting old. So there’s that. 

On Saturday we had a nice little sleep in and late start to the day, which was fine with me because staying in bed after I wake up is my favorite part of weekends usually and also we still did a TON of stuff that day.

We started off making a trip to the Library of Congress. In case any of you somehow missed this, I love books and I really love libraries. But we didn’t really know what we were doing, and it turns out there are many different Library of Congress buildings and the one we went in wasn’t the primary building where people usually go and apparently has some sort of a viewing gallery and displays and stuff. No, instead we went to the manuscript archives reading room. Which is awesome, but there were about seven hoops we had to jump through starting with metal detectors and explaining to security guards what we were doing there.

We should have realized at that point that what we were trying to do, while technically open to the public, isn’t really something that random people off the streets try to do. For instance, the back of the reader cards we got says “The Reader Identification Card is issued only to researchers who plan to use the Library’s reading rooms and collections. Note: Additional entry criteria may be in force in various reading rooms.” Yeah. We should probably have just given up. But we didn’t! Instead we submitted like six forms (both electronic and handwritten) got our photos taken, and were issued photo-ID reader cards that are valid for two years! Then we had to lock our purses in a locker, get a 20 minute spiel on how the reading room functions, and write out a request to view documents. And finally, after interacting with 6 people, filling out approximately four forms, and showing ID at least three times, we went to a table and waited for them to bring us the documents we requested. Which were original Emily Dickinson poems. We literally only chose that because she is the first American that I thought of who might have some documents in the Library of Congress. And there were! Though they only had six items, which I gathered was a very small file for what they usually bring out. But again, we weren’t really researching anything so we didn’t care. It was seriously so cool to be holding pieces of paper that Emily Dickinson composed a poem on! Granted, we didn’t take them out of the protective plastic, but it was seriously mind blowing all the same. 

After that whole ordeal, we made our way toward the National Portrait Gallery. But on the way, we were passing the Botanic Garden, so we decided to stop in there and warm up our freezing bodies amid the tropical flowers. It was lovely. 

In the National Portrait Gallery we viewed the new Obama portraits- Barack’s is way more beautiful in real life than pictures do justice to. Michelle’s was kind of disappointing in real life. But I guess she hasn’t been the president. Yet. So there’s that. We also stopped next to a portrait of the ladies of the Supreme Court and I posed for this picture next to the Notorious RBG. (That’s Ruth Bader Ginsburg, if you’ve been living under a rock.)

Next we made our way to one of the restaurants I’d put on my list of places to check out and got fancy drinks at the bar. This was mid-afternoon on St. Patrick’s day and despite it not being even remotely an Irish restaurant, we made semi-friends with some nice drunk girls who were leaving a table and welcomed us to take their spots. Nice drunk girls are so nice.

After that we made our way back to Bethesda for dinner at Jaleo (yet another restaurant I’d put on my list- yes, within 24 hours we made it to three of the six I’d found that seemed interesting. Pretty impressive, I’d say!) before going to see the play.

While it wasn’t exactly the same as the book, the Sloppy First play was pretty good overall. Interestingly, there were only four male characters and only one of the four had any real substance at all. One of the guys (who has a pretty significant role in the books) only says “Balls!” the whole play. Which was...interesting. I think in the transformation from book to stage and also in the shift of the 17 years between when the book was published and when the play staged, the author/playwright tried to find a balance of culture. While the main character was an edgy and assertive teenaged girl when the book was published in 2001, much of the judgement she passes on the other girl characters isn’t really kosher in 2018 amidst the big push for gender neutrality and equal rights etc. It is my theory that to balance out some of the girl on girl shaming that happens, the author removed any guy on girl shaming by making all but one of the guy characters basically just props. The play was extremely female driven. Anyway, you all maybe don’t care that much about the transition of my favorite book onto the stage, so I guess I’ll just say it was good and I’m glad I got to see it and move on.

After the play was over, I took out the copy of the book I brought and waited near the author for her to finish talking to some other people so I could have her sign it. Because of course I did. While I was waiting, a woman noticed me holding it and asked if I wanted to get it signed and I said “Yeah!” but attempted to be non-aggressive about it because I wasn’t in a hurry and didn’t need to interrupt. But the woman interrupted for me and told the author, Megan McCafferty, that I was waiting for her to sign my book. Megan was like, “Yep, okay!” and I was kinda like “Eeek, no rush!” But it turned out the woman was her mom. And moms will be moms.

Anyway, I talked to Megan for a little while and told her about how Natasha and I are best friends from like middle school, which is when we fell in love with her books. She thought it was great that we came to the play together as childhood friends. And she immediately noticed my “You Yes You” shirt (which is a reference from her second book) which was conveniently green for St. Patrick’s Day (but really was a shirt that I made FOURTEEEEEEEN years ago for my freshman year of high school. Because I am officially old. Yikes.) and was surprised and (I think?) flattered/pleased when I told her how I’d worn it in high school. She signed my book and then we took this picture together and it was all very fun and I made a fool of myself being a dork, but that’s okay.

Despite the fact that Natasha kept telling me it wasn’t too late to go out for St.Patty’s drinks, we did in fact go home after that and go to bed before midnight. It was a solid day despite never drinking any green beer.

On Sunday, we headed into the district early for brunch at Kramerbooks & Afterwords Cafe. Which, if you can’t tell from the name, is a bookstore with a restaurant inside. We had blood orange mimosas and I had pumpkin spice johnny cakes and they were delish. 

After eating, we browsed the shelves for a while (as one does) and eventually made our way to the National Mall to try to see some cherry blossoms. It was originally supposed to be cherry blossom peak while I was there, but a cold snap pushed it back by a week or so, and only a few trees had opened blooms on them. There were lots of pretty Magnolia trees in bloom already though, so that was nice. And we did see exactly ONE fully blooming cherry tree; I am quite confused about that freak of nature, but whatever.

We popped in a few stores while we were out walking around, but mostly I just wanted to be enjoying the spring-like weather. (Speaking of Spring-- that starts today!!!!! HAPPY FIRST DAY OF SPRING, FRIENDS!) We found an outdoor seating area at a cafe and just enjoyed the sunshine and perused our new books for the remaining hour or so before I had to make my way to the airport. It was sunny and a bit breezy but mostly warm and mild. Fifty-five degrees was plenty warm enough to be sitting outside and I enjoyed it immensely.

Overall a very successful weekend.

On Shame.

A couple of weeks ago I started thinking about shame and how it informs the decisions I make and the way I interact with and present myself to the world.

(Okay, full disclosure, I started drafting this post a reallllly long time ago. Like two months ago. So when I said “a couple of weeks ago” that was really probably in December or something. But then I kind of stopped writing it because I wasn’t sure I’d ever post it. But then at the poetry reading I went to last weekend, Olivia Gatwood started talking about shame and it reminded me about this and I came back to it. So here we go.)

Shame never used to be something that I thought about. It seems like a really harsh concept to me, much stronger than just embarrassment. But a few years ago- when I started seeing a really wonderful therapist in Minnesota- I started connecting some dots about what shame is and how it appears in our lives in different ways. It’s not just about the conscious things we do to avoid awkward situations; shame is, in many cases, the driving factor behind how we act and react.

So anyway, I recently started specifically thinking about shame. And I decided I would check to see if Brené  Brown had any videos about it because she often has videos about things like shame and vulnerability and she’s a really cool and highly intelligent lady who usually has valuable insights to offer. I know I talk about Brené  Brown a lot- if you’re wondering why, maybe read that last sentence again and/or read some of her books and/or watch her TED talks. She’s great.

And wouldn’t you know, she did have a video about shame! (I thought I remembered something about this, so I wasn’t really that surprised, but I also hadn’t ever watched it before.) You can watch that video here- and you should because it’s really good. But the part that stuck out the most to me is when she says “Shame, for women, is this web of unobtainable, conflicting, competing expectations about who we’re supposed to be. And it’s a straight jacket.”

And man, oh man, do I relate to that. I cannot begin to explain how often I have unobtainable, conflicting desires for myself and my life. I want to be a mom. I want to travel the world and have adventures. I want to work somewhere that makes a difference in an area I care about, but I also want to be able to pay off my student loans and...eat...and stuff. I want to write a book, but I also want a job where I can talk to people every day because I like having coworkers to chat with. I want to move somewhere without winters, but I want to be near my family and especially my niece.

It’s complicated. And you can’t have it all. And those are just the things that I want on a personal level; the shame component plays into our culture on a societal level. I’m sure you’re all aware of the fact that stay at home mothers get shamed for not being independent while working mothers get shamed for not devoting enough time to their families, and god forbid a woman choose work instead of starting a family- how could she be so selfish!?!? There’s no beating the shame wagon.

Last weekend (like, ACTAULLY last weekend from right now. As in March 10th), when I went to Olivia Gatwood’s poetry reading, she talked about shame a little bit, too. I wish I’d recorded what she was saying so I could reproduce it here, but I’ll do my best to summarize her: shame is what happens when we are doing whatever we want and think nothing of it, and then some outside force,- some other person- gives us a new perspective on it that gives us new, negative feelings about it. Maybe you were fine with your body until someone else told you that this other type of body is better and now you feel inadequate with what you have. Maybe you had a certain interest or hobby that you really enjoyed and then someone demeaned it in some way and now you are embarrassed about it. That is shame. As women, the world is constantly shaming us for existing. Our menstrual cycles are gross, our sexual desires are inappropriate, if we’re too friendly we’re asking for harassment, if we’re not friendly enough we’re standoffish bitches. We are never good enough for the world.

There is inherent shame in being female.

And that really sucks.

Another component of shame that’s been on my mind are when people say things like “She’s shameless!” or “Have you no shame?!?!” meaning both in a distinctly negative and shaming way. Or even the way we throw around the term “No shame” which implies that there should be shame but we are refusing to bow to it. Shame is, it turns out, a really really big part of our culture and how we interact with the world around us. Imagine for a moment, a world where shame didn’t weigh into our decisions. I think not being as attuned to shame is something that happens naturally a little bit as we get older; our parents used to embarrass us, but now we have no problem laughing at ourselves etc. But shame is a lot more deeply ingrained than just adolescent embarrassment. It’s a whole defining part of how we’ve learned to exist and present ourselves. We feel shame about not making “enough” money, about not getting a promotion that we wanted, about not having travelled extensively or read enough books (okay, I’ve pretty much never had those specific problems, but I’m sure I’ve made other people feel ashamed of themselves in comparison with me in those areas before. Which sucks and is stupid.), about having a crappy car or an old phone or not being able to pay all of our bills all of the time. Shame makes people who are doing their best feel like they aren’t doing enough. And it really sucks.

In case you thought I was going somewhere with all of this, I just want to clarify that this is another one of those times where I’m writing about something without having anything conclusive to say. It’s just something that’s been swirling around in my brain’s spin cycle lately (and for a while now, clearly) and I thought I’d let it out here.

I challenge all of you to take a look at your lives and try to figure out what decisions you’re making based on shame. Think about how shame is informing your actions and your life and see if there’s any way to minimize that. Because, as I’ve said a couple times, shame really sucks.

Searching Out Culture.

I’ve been trying to take advantage of cultural enrichment opportunities lately. As my friend (slash my friend’s mom) Jeanne said earlier this year, there are cool things that happen in Maine, but you really have to seek them out. They don’t just magically appear in your own town at regular intervals. You kinda have to look for them and keep your finger on the pulse to know what’s coming up.

It’s sometimes surprising what all opportunities there are for things even in sleepy little Maine if you just watch for them. For instance, one day in February I saw on Instagram that a poet I like, Rudy Francisco, was landing in Portland, Maine. I was like “whaaaat?!?!” And then I looked at his events page and found out he was doing an event at Bates College that night. So I headed over there to see it! Rudy was actually on the Tonight Show recently and performed a spoken word poem that I really loved. You can watch that performance below. (I also recorded it when I saw it live, but I missed the beginning of the poem, so I figured I’d post the Tonight Show version.)

Then I saw that another poet I follow on Instagram, Olivia Gatwood, added a Maine tour stop, so I looked into that and found out she was doing an event at Colby College for Women’s History Month on Saturday night. I headed up to Colby for that, too, which was really fun. I already had a copy of Olivia's book of poems and had read it, so it was fun to see her perform them live. Here's a video of her performing a poem that I really like.

And I also found out that Andrea Gibson is going to be doing an event in Portland in May, which I’m going to try my best to get to. Andrea Gibson is even FROM Calais, Maine! Though they live in Colorado now and have for years. They are heralded as one of the leaders of the modern spoken-word poetry movement, which is really really cool.

I went to a poetry reading in college once, and thought it was kiiiiinda boring? But poets reading their written work aloud is nothing like poems that were intended for live performance. Spoken word poetry, while probably not something I’ll ever do myself, is really really really cool to go to. If you ever get a chance, I would highly recommend that you go to a spoken word poetry event.

And, because I love you all, here's another video of a spoken word poem (By the aforementioned Olivia Gatwood along with Megan Fally) that's really great. Enjoy!

27 Things About Being 27.

One of my favorite YouTubers (okay, I'll admit, the only one that I actually watch at all.), Hannah Hart, posts a video every year about turning her new age. I did something similar last year, although I called it "Reflections on 25" and it was a written out thing, not a video. And this year I decided to follow her format more closely and write out a list of 27 things about being 27. (Which means that I jumped over 26. Whatever.)

1.  The money you spend paying for your own health insurance is worth the peace of mind to not worry that every sore throat you have is strep that you won't be able to get medical help with because you don't have health insurance. 
2. Listen to the bands that your friends tell you they think you'll like. They know what music you already like and are probably right. 
3. Also, the thing about music is that it's really easy to like all sorts of things. So if lots of people like it already, you probably will too. Stop being such a hipster and just accept that.
4. With that said, it is okay to still hate Justin Beiber.
5. It is also okay that you really really like that one Chance the Rapper song he's in.
6. A desktop happy light is your winter bff. Remember that next year. 
7. You haven't really learned to be careful what things you put your email into on the internet. You have been getting both pro- and anti- Trump emails for about a year now, and if one more person asks you to give Trump's campaign money, you might scream.
8. You like poetry. A lot. In college, you thought that maybe you didn't but you were wrong. You just didn't like boring poetry. And that's okay.
9. Despite what you feared based on your extreme extroversion, living alone is not the worst thing in the world.
10. It isn't, however, the best thing in the world, either. For you, anyway. But you've adjusted. You  spend a lot more time reading books now. Which is pretty great, actually.
11. You are in a book club for the first time in your life. And despite it getting off to a rather rocky (six months delayed) start, it is really wonderful. You love hanging out with a group of intelligent young women, and this is the first opportunity you've had to do that since...college. Talking about books is cool, too.
12. Your ideal sleeping temperature is 50°, which previously seemed abominably cold to you—  you know from experience because that's how cold your bedrooms were in 2014-2016, too— but for whatever reason starting in 2017, it really worked for you. And now you have a terrible time sleeping if it's 60° or warmer.
13. You have realized there is a reason people go out for drinks with their coworkers; it is fun. If you have the chance, you should definitely do that.
14. In fact, unless there is a reason you really and truly can't do something, you should do it. You never know what you might end up liking. And it's usually the things you didn't do that you regret more. 
15. You wash your dishes on the same day that you used them and have discovered that when you do that, they don't ever get overwhelming. (And yes, it took you 27 years to figure this out. You are aware that that is an embarrassingly long amount of time.)
16. You live within an hour of several great colleges. Colleges have events that are open to the public. Colleges have good events that are open to the public. Take advantage of them.
17. Two things that make you feel like you have your shit together are wearing lipstick and wearing perfume. The difference between the two (other than that one is seen and one is smelled) is that it takes you five minutes to put on lipstick (sometimes more!!) and only five seconds to put on perfume. 
18. Eating dinner alone at the table feels sort of pathetic, but if you add tapered candles it gets much much better. Which seems ridiculous but it's true. It's also a better alternative than simply eating on the couch or in bed (as you have most days for the past several years) because you don't want to feel silly eating at the table alone.
19. For the first time this year, you considered joining a gym. You didn't do it yet, because you have a little more self respect than that still. But you consider it every couple of weeks anyway. 
20. If it is warm enough for you to wear a jean jacket (or, better yet, SHORTS!), it is warm enough to go for a walk. Go for a damn walk. You'll thank me later.
21. The saying "out of sight out of mind" is TRUE. If you really want to do/make/get to something, leave it out where you can see it. Otherwise it might never happen.
22. The same is true for things that you don't want to do/make/get to- if seeing it around is making you feel bad, then put it out of sight. That might mean you just have to suck it up and deal with something you don't want to. If so, then do that. Because it is better to just deal with something than to let it make you feel shitty indefinitely. 
23. People seem to really like when you mail them little notes. You should do that more.
24. Comparison is the thief of joy. But really. Comparison is the thief of joy.
25. You can do anything! This year you climbed mountains for the first time in years! And you did it alone for the first time EVER! Nothing can stop you!
26. You realized this year that you think your toenails look creepy when they're painted. Previously in your life, you realized that your toenails look creepy when they aren't painted. This will probably change again, and that is okay. 
27. You have conversations with people whom you think of as "your age" during which you realize that they are currently experiencing something in their life that you experienced several years ago now. During these conversations, you will realize that despite the fact that you feel like you haven't really grown up or gotten your shit together that much, 27 is actually very different from 23 in some ways. 

This morning I was planning to get up and do the puzzle my sister gave me for Valentine's Day/ my birthday (it's a bunch of pictures of me and Mackenzie and it's great!), but then I decided that what I really wanted to do was go to Rockland and get a partly caffeinated beverage at my favorite coffee shop, so that's what I did. And I'm oh so glad that I did, because it was beautiful and sunny over there! And I got to drive for an hour each direction with my moon roof open, singing along with some of my favorite songs and I wasn't even cold and it was just really really great.

Today I also got a haircut! It's something that I try to do on my birthday when possible because, as my college roommate tweeted a few years ago, "Everybody I know is getting engaged or having kids and I just wish I could pay for a haircut." Or something to that effect, anyway. And I realized that she was right; when you get a haircut you sort of feel like you have your shit together. Or at least I do, anyway. And then, while I lived in Minnesota, my friend Sarah got her hair cut the day before her birthday and I was like, "Of course! What a great way to make yourself feel like a million bucks for your birthday!" Assuming your haircut isn't awful. But I've never had a haircut that I hated, so whatever.

Anyway, here's my birthday haircut!

Later, I'm buying myself a bacon cheeseburger in a bun made out of mac and cheese patties from Nosh and then I'm going to see Brett Dennen in concert. Because YOLO.

Hope you all have a lovely day, too! Remember, there are only eleven days until spring! We're gonna make it!!

Living Alone.

As you all may or may not know, I moved into an apartment about a month ago. It's a short term thing, and I mostly just did it because I could and so why not? It's my first time living alone...ever. And it's been an interesting experience.

On the one hand, I'm neighbors with my mom (as in, we literally share a wall), so it's not as though I'm really far removed from my family. But my mom is also hardly ever around. It is very convenient to be able to raid her kitchen for the cooking implements I'm missing when I need, say, a vegetable peeler, and don't have one among the limited kitchen utensils I brought over.

On the other hand, I spend the majority of my evenings in solitude these days, which is kind of a first. When I was living at the house with my sister and brother-in-law and niece, I definitely spent a fair amount of time alone in my room, but I could also walk downstairs and socialize with them all most of the time. I would spend hours sitting with Britt and Mackenzie, shrieking and laughing and playing the let-me-pick-that-up-for-you-three-hundred-times game.

Now, I get home from work by 4:40 at the latest, because I leave at 4:30 and I'm only five minutes away. Most days I feel like I could eat dinner right away, but tell myself I really don't need to eat dinner that early, so I settle down on the couch with whatever book I'm reading that day (I finish them in just a couple days now, because I spend so much time reading) and get absorbed into another world for an hour or two.

By then, it actually is a good dinner time and I spend some time cooking something for myself. I take this opportunity to listen to whatever audio book I'm on, and in this way I get through a lot of those, as well. Then I sit down at the table and eat alone, probably while still listening to my audio book.

After I eat, I actually do all the dishes from cooking and eating right away. Because usually there are only about five of them. Go figure. After all the cooking, eating, and cleanup are done, I usually either do some crafting while listening to my audio book or settle back in with the physical book and spend another hour or two with that.

By then, it's pretty much time for bed. I might take a nighttime shower (because I'm still not a morning person, though mornings have become slightly easier since I now have a sink, toilet, and shower all to myself) and maybe do a little more reading in my bed before falling asleep. But only if I'm feeling really crazy.

All that being said, it is actually pretty easy to decide at the last minute to get a drink at the Liberal Cup or the Quarry Tap Room with anyone who asks me, so I have had several occasions come up where I decide to go out. But mostly, I just stay in and read a lot more books than I was reading at this time last year.

And it's nice.

Here are a couple more pictures of the apartment. It's super cute, but I don't really have a lot of pictures of it. Oh well.

Move In.

Last fall I read Brené Brown’s book “Braving the Wilderness” and it was a game changer. I already mentioned it in this post about the best books I read last year, but it’s honestly worth its own full post. I think everyone should read this book. Or at least every American over the age of 15 alive right now. It’s important.

The book is all about respecting people and honoring each other’s humanity. Here are the different sections:

1. Everywhere and Nowhere
2. The Quest for True Belonging
3. High Lonesome: A Spiritual Crisis
4. People Are Hare to Hate Close Up. Move In.
5. Speak Truth to Bullshit. Be Civil.
6. Hold Hands. With Strangers.
7. Strong Back. Soft Front. Wild Heart.

Now, some of these sections I didn't really care about. Like the first two. I mean, they were good, but they weren't crazy good. But everything after that was pretty damn incredible.

My favorite section was the "move in" section. In fact, I am very likely going to get that as a tattoo sometime soon (sorry, mom). But to be honest, it was my favorite section before I even read it. Just from the heading of the section, I could tell the Brene was articulating something I have found to be true in my own experience; the more we know people, the harder it is to dislike them. Of course, the opposite is also sometimes true (exhibit A: your annoying little brother), but for the most part, the more we get to know people, the more we identify with the deep humanity of all of their challenges in life.

For me, this realization came during my freshman year of college. I liked and got along with all of the girls on my floor of Nyland Hall...except for one, who drove me nuts. I didn’t hate her or anything, but I just found the way she spoke and acted and interacted with the world to be so incredibly abrasive. It wasn’t at all how I spoke and acted and interacted with the world, and I just felt defensive and preemptively exhausted every time I knew she’d be around. On my floor we had weekly fellowship gatherings and we did a series of “life stories” where each week a pair of roommates would prepare a summary of their life and present it during the fellowship (I don’t know why I’m trying to explain this...I feel like “life stories” is a pretty straightforward concept….whatever). Well we eventually got to the week when the girl who bothered me was telling her life story. And it was intense. She’d had a hard life. When she was a child, people that she should have been able to trust hurt her. It was painful to listen to, and I am still awed at the bravery it took for her to share that with a bunch of young women who were still kind of strangers (this was only a few weeks into our first semester of college, remember). But most importantly, she finally made sense to me. I could understand why a little girl who had learned the hard way not to trust people easily and to stay tough would continue to interact with the world the way this girl did. Before I knew where her attitude came from it seemed really aggressive to me-- and it was-- and I found it totally off-putting. But once I learned why her default mode was more aggressive than I was comfortable with, I realized I could live with it.

Granted, she still wasn’t my favorite person on the floor. And she didn’t become my best friend or anything. But it no longer stressed me out to spend time with her. I could see the humanity where I really hadn’t bothered to before.

Now, that is a kind of extreme example, but it is the most direct and obvious moment I’ve had in my life where I was like “oh look, I found out more about this person and just immediately like them more than I did without them having to actually do something to change my opinion.” I’m sure you’ve all had moments like this, too, whether they’ve been people you knew or just getting closer to any sort of situation at all and being able to see the humanity better.

One recent (and kind of ridiculous) example is after the Super Bowl a couple weeks ago, when everyone watching at my sister’s house was pissed that the Pats didn’t win (I didn’t actually care at all...I was kind of rooting for them, but also I feel like they’ve won enough Super Bowls-especially recently- and I had kiiiiiiinda started rooting for the Eagles at the end...especially since the cameras kept cutting to Bradley Cooper. Yeah, Bradley Cooper’s face didn’t hurt. ANYWAY.) and then my sister caught wind of a story about how some member of the Eagles’ team was the favorite player of a little kid with cancer, and he’d gone to visit the kid as a special treat and then the kid had died, and the player dedicated his season to that kid. And then they went on to win the Super Bowl! For the first time ever! That’s awesome, right?! And my sister said, “Okay, I feel a little better about them winning now, because that’s nice at least.”

And obviously one sportsingball team beating another isn’t really an instance of there being overlooked humanity, but it still seems like a decent example of this to me. A situation that had previously seemed so devastating became bearable because we learned a heartwarming story about the people involved. It’s hard to hate the Eagles for beating Tom Brady when you learn that the win was dedicated to a little kid who died of cancer.

It’s hard to hate people up close.

Let’s all try to move in this year, shall we?

Happy First Day of Shorts!

As you all might have noticed, I’ve been off social media since Lent started on Valentine’s Day. Or maybe you didn’t notice. Or maybe you’re wondering what the hell I’m talking about since you got to this post through my facebook, where I published a link. To be honest, I’m not actually sure why it’s still possible for me to do that, because I signed out of facebook on my phone and had a friend change the password to my account, but even after the password got changed I’m able to share the posts directly from my blog to my facebook without knowing the password or actually signing into facebook at all. I have no idea why it works. It seems like a defect in security to me, but I guess I’m not really about to complain about it since it makes my life easier.

ANYWAY, I’m off (most of) my social media accounts which is pretty refreshing. But also makes me feel really insignificant a lot of the time. I have moments where things happen to me and I’m ready to open up Instagram or snapchat and share the moment with the world. Or at least the 10-50 people who look at my Instagram stories and snaps. But then I realize that I don’t have Instagram stories right now. And I think, “But who will witness this moment, then???” Obviously I am a total product of the twenty-first century and I need to be constantly validated. #Millennials.

But I’m working on it! I am coming to terms with the fact that I don’t need to share every moment with the virtual world. And that is okay. I will live.

And yet, the point of this blog post is to circumvent that whole process and take a minute to say that it is FEBRUARY and I am wearing SHORTS today because the weather forecast for today has HIGHS IN THE SIXTIES! And when it gets into the sixties I wear shorts! No matter how early in the year it is! Even in Minnesota in March, when people would give me funny looks and my friend’s well-meaning mom repeated to me ad nauseam that, “We don’t really wear shorts in March here, Aleena…” I WORE THEM ANYWAY. Because it was in the sixties! And, apparently, I wear shorts even in February. Because I can.

I often post a picture of my legs the first time I wear shorts in any year somewhere on social media, and since that's not an option right now I’m sharing it with all of you here:

Yes, my legs are very pale (but they're super soft, thanks to the bar of Ledgeway Farms goat milk coffee soap I picked up over the weekend!). Yes, I am wearing shorts and standing on ice in the parking lot.

And yes, it is going to snow again in the next couple of days. And that’s okay (if a little disappointing). But it went into the sixties and I went into my attic to take out shorts from storage much sooner than I’d anticipated doing that, and I am about it.

Hope you all enjoy your taste of spring!!

Growing Up.

In January, I went out to eat with a bunch of people in my extended family. I was sitting at the end of the table near the children (my cousins' kids) and one of the little girls started asking me questions. It turned out, what she really wanted to know was whether I was married because she could see that I was wearing a ring. But before she got to that question, she started off with. "Aleena, are you a grown up?"

To which I sort of mumbled a lot and shrugged and said, "I don't know!" Which, of course, really confused the five year old. I tried, "Ask me again in ten years!" But that didn't really help either. So I asked her if she thought I was a grown up, and she said yes. Then I decided to survey the rest of the family because I thought they'd back me up.

To my surprise, when I said, "Hey family, raise your hand if you think I'm a grown up!" pretty much all of them did. My mom and Aunt and Uncles and Grandma, my adult cousin, and even my brother! I was like, "Really?!?!?!" And my mom started saying, "She pays all her bills and bought her own car, and she has insurance-" So I interrupted the list of my very grown up accomplishments to say, "Well, yeah, I'm an ADULT. But am I a grown up?!?!" And then ALL of my relatives were kinda like, ".....Oh. Yeah, maybe not." Which is honestly pretty funny.

Then my aunt said, "Getting old is mandatory but growing up is a choice!" And I can't really argue with that. Especially in my aunt's case.

But anyway, flash forward a month and I was getting ready for work the other day when suddenly I was overcome with the realization that I take care of myself. This should be obvious to me (and everyone else). I mean, I'm nearly twenty-seven years old. It's been a while since I had a primary caregiver who wasn't myself. But it still came as a startling realization in that moment. I take care of myself! I have a job that I work at every day so that I can pay my bills. And then I pay my bills! Early! And I go to the grocery store and buy the foods I need to keep my body healthy (and plenty of foods to keep my body unhealthy...whatever.) and then I cook them for myself. And I do the dishes after that. And I can get in the car that I bought and almost have paid off and drive wherever I damn well please whenever I want to. THIS IS ASTONISHING! WHO GAVE ME PERMISSION TO BE IN CHARGE OF SOMEONE'S LIFE, EVEN IF THAT PERSON IS MYSELF?!?!?

It was kind of a weird moment, I guess. But it also felt sort of euphoric. Like, I am capable of keeping a human alive! And I just kept wondering when on earth that happened. Because despite the fact that it's been a while since I had someone else taking care of me, it hasn't actually been that long. Ten years ago I was very much dependent on my parents. In fact, ten years ago I couldn't even drive! And now I am taking care of myself pretty damn successfully. It blows. My. Mind.

That whole moment of wonder made me think of entitlement and empowerment and stuff like that. Which made me think of something that someone I used to work for would talk about; we are all empowered. We don't need to be empowered to do things, we already have the power to do things. We just have to realize that about ourselves. He, of course, meant it in the context of an office and how managers don't need to work on helping their employees feel empowered, but rather should be showing them that they already are empowered. But I think it's true in the real world, as well. We are all empowered and can do whatever we want. But sometimes we don't realize it. And depending on things like our gender and our race, the world can make it even harder for us to realize it (and for us to actually do whatever we want). But just remember; you can do anything! You are a grown up (or not) and nobody can stop you and you're doing great!

So there you have it, folks, all the random thoughts that went twirling through my head when I realized that I am self sufficient and possibly a grown up (but probably not) and that I can do whatever I want. Aren't you glad you invested the time to read all that? Maybe not? Oh well. Here's a Beyoncé song for you because there's pretty much a Beyoncé song for everything but there's especially a Beyoncé song for this blog post.

On Winter.

It's midwinter right now. Typically, I am not a huge fan, though this winter has been pretty tolerable aside from one week in the middle of January where I thought I might need to curl up into a ball for about three months. But I lived. And it's been slightly better ever since. Potentially because after that week I started using a happy light on my desk at work every morning. Potentially because I've actually been kinda busy, and that always helps a little. Whatever it is, I'm okay with it.

It's nice to not feel like you're in a battle to keep going every single day for months on end.

Take yesterday, for instance; I had to get to the bank and my bank closes right about the same time I get out of work, so after eating lunch I hopped in my car and drove across town to do my banking. It was beautiful and sunny out. My car thermometer told me it was 38° out (although admittedly when I checked my weather app after returning to the office, it said “26° feels like 31°” ... so it maybe wasn't as warm as I thought but I DON'T CARE because the sunshine was warm and glorious!!).  I listened to Beyoncé. On the drive back to work I even opened my windows (and yes, my ears got cold, but I don't care, because for the most part I was comfortable and to be able to drive with the windows down in February and be relatively comfortable brings joy to my soul). It was twenty minutes of deliciousness. It was spring in the middle of winter.

We've reached a point in the year (a couple weeks ago, actually) when the sunset is later than 4:30 here in Hallowell, ME. Which means that when I leave work it is still light out. In fact, because I work at the top of the hill and don't get cast in the shadows of the valley, when I leave work, the sun still shines on me! It is wonderful. It is thrilling.

There are sure to be more snowstorms. And the icy sidewalks aren't going anywhere anytime soon. And it'll be dark and dreary some days. I'll do my best to keep trudging through. I have tickets to a concert in a couple weeks, and a quick trip to DC the week after that. It helps to have things to look forward to- to have warmer destinations to escape to!

Soon enough real spring will be here, and I won't be mad about it. I'm ready.

Last Minute Plans.

Sometimes in life, things come up. Life is crazy and life is precious and we don’t always realize what a tentative grasp we have on it. A couple weeks ago one of my friends lost his father. It was sudden and unexpected and it jarred me even though I hadn’t met the man more than a few times. I knew I wanted to go to the memorial service because that kind of thing matters to me a lot- not memorial services per se, but showing up for people, making an effort to be physically around them when life is hard. But then I found out the service was in Pennsylvania. I briefly considered making the 18 hour round trip drive anyway, but decided pretty quickly that was a bad idea. I also considered flying to DC and then borrowing my friend’s car to drive the 1.5 hours from there. But again, decided that the $300+ tickets for the following weekend were a bit impractical. And so I determined that I wouldn’t be able to make it and came to terms with that reality. 

Then, on Thursday night I got a text message from another friend asking if I was still interested in going down to Pennsylvania for it because he was going to be driving down the following night. And just like that my plans changed.

I have this thing that I do where I come up with plans that are completely impractical and then do them anyway. That’s how I’ve decided to go to Europe like half the times I’ve gone, and that’s how I make smaller decisions, too. And so far in life it’s been working out alright for me. I’m gonna keep sticking with it. So, with less than 24 hours notice I decided that I would, in fact, drive to Pennsylvania for the memorial service. At least it was with another person and not alone!

And also, it was one of my goals for the year to seize presented opportunities and this seemed like an opportunity to show up with support for a friend when I thought I wouldn’t have been able to. It was perfect.

So Friday after work we left. It was a long night. We got to York, PA just before 4:00 Saturday morning (the picture below pretty accurately exhibits how extremely tired I was upon arrival after being up for nearly 24 hours and driving for 9 of them), slept for a few hours at a Motel 6, and pulled ourselves together, did our best to look relatively presentable, and made our way to the funeral home. 

Which was unreal. It was seriously the most beautiful funeral home I’ve ever laid eyes on. I heard from someone that the building used to be a private residence that two elderly sisters lived in and when they passed away they asked that it be used as a home for aged, unmarried women- whether they were never married or were widowed or whatever. No idea how it went from that to a funeral home, but it was seriously beautiful.

The service itself was also beautiful. There were several “remembrances,” and the one my friend gave was a lovely portrait of his father, a man who was complicated just as everyone is, but who loved his children a whole lot and was passionate and witty and delighted in the world around him. My friend’s remembrance was also written in his unique voice and style and had me smiling throughout, despite the sad nature of the circumstances. He didn’t know we were coming down from Maine for it, and the look he gave us when we walked into the room before the service was so full of surprise and disbelief that it made the drive worth it.

After the service we made our way to the local country club and enjoyed a luncheon at a table where we got to meet all sorts of interesting new people. It was a warm and comforting experience for me, and I think for the other people who were there (namely those who knew the deceased much better than I). It was great to spend some time talking to my friend about the time he spent the prior week with his siblings going through their dad’s things, determining what to keep, and going through his poetry, making editorial decisions about them.

And then, less than twelve hours after we arrived in York, we got back in the car and began driving home. Throughout my life, on roadtrips with my family particularly, I’ve found that just riding in a car together is often the most memorable part of a road trip. And while I’m not sure that’s true in this case, it was nice to take time listening to music that I’ve been listening to a lot right now (rap music. Hahahahaha. Like Childish Gambino, Chance the Rapper, and Frank Ocean), and music that I’ve loved forever (like Death Cab for Cutie and the Rent soundtrack), and music that is timeless and empowering (like Beyonce) and even the entirety of the Hamilton soundtrack for the very first time. And it was nice to talk about life and my plans for the coming year and how driving through Newark at night is like the set of a creepy dystopian YA novel. You know, normal conversation stuff.

And then, after getting only eight cumulative hours of sleep in two nights, I got sick for all of last week. But that’s okay. Also, just about everyone I know was sick too, so I might’ve gotten sick regardless. And I lived! Besides, the weather in Pennsylvania was so glorious while we were there I didn't even need to wear a coat. It kinda felt like we drove through the night to get to a tropical vacation. So I deem the whole thing #worthit. Here's a picture of me fully enjoying the sunshine.

New Year New Goals.

So we are into our third week of the new year. This millennium is now an adult! Last year felt like it lasted only a month. I remember New Years Eve 2016 like it was yesterday. Years are weird like that. Time is weird like that. In the past twelve months so much happened and yet nothing much changed and also some things changed in every way imaginable. Life is weird like that.

I still live at home. I'm creeping up on 27 years old and I never thought I would be living at home as an adult, but here I am. And I like it fine, although I really need to find a new adventure. I've promised myself I'll live somewhere new in 2018. I'm not sure yet what that will look like, but it may look like the Peace Corps (if I ever finish and submit an application *eye roll*), it may look like moving somewhere warmer but still in the United States. Really, I have no idea what I'm going to do yet. But it's time to do something.

I have something close to a "grown up job" but not quite. I'm still a temp. But I did sign up for health insurance this year, so now I have that again, which is cool. That's pretty grown up! Maybe?

Anyway, as with every year, I took the first couple of weeks thinking about what I want my goals for the year to be. I figure there's no rush to have them all sorted for January first and then stop even trying before the month is over. Instead, right around when everybody else is moving on from their goals, I am getting ready to dive in.

So over the weekend I spent some time going over, refining, and adding to my list of goals for this year. Then last night, I typed them up on my trusty typewriter (probably the first time I've used it since I typed up my 2017 goals...whoops. Gonna try to type out more things this year! Though that's not one of my official goals...) and changed out last year's list for this year's on the back of my bedroom door. It's all about visibility, ya know?

I'm not going to post my full list here, but I will say that my number one goal is to look for wonder moments. I decided my hashtag theme for the year is going to be #everythingismagic. I've been trying to appreciate the little moments of beauty in my days, especially in the winter, because it's easy to not notice things. I've been hyper aware lately of how much wonder people seem to have for the world around them and how much I'm missing. I'm trying to be amazed again. I'm trying to notice things. I'm trying to remind myself that it's okay to be easily amused.

Here are some things that have caught my eye as being wonder full and aesthetically lovely lately.