To which I sort of mumbled a lot and shrugged and said, "I don't know!" Which, of course, really confused the five year old. I tried, "Ask me again in ten years!" But that didn't really help either. So I asked her if she thought I was a grown up, and she said yes. Then I decided to survey the rest of the family because I thought they'd back me up.
To my surprise, when I said, "Hey family, raise your hand if you think I'm a grown up!" pretty much all of them did. My mom and Aunt and Uncles and Grandma, my adult cousin, and even my brother! I was like, "Really?!?!?!" And my mom started saying, "She pays all her bills and bought her own car, and she has insurance-" So I interrupted the list of my very grown up accomplishments to say, "Well, yeah, I'm an ADULT. But am I a grown up?!?!" And then ALL of my relatives were kinda like, ".....Oh. Yeah, maybe not." Which is honestly pretty funny.
Then my aunt said, "Getting old is mandatory but growing up is a choice!" And I can't really argue with that. Especially in my aunt's case.
But anyway, flash forward a month and I was getting ready for work the other day when suddenly I was overcome with the realization that I take care of myself. This should be obvious to me (and everyone else). I mean, I'm nearly twenty-seven years old. It's been a while since I had a primary caregiver who wasn't myself. But it still came as a startling realization in that moment. I take care of myself! I have a job that I work at every day so that I can pay my bills. And then I pay my bills! Early! And I go to the grocery store and buy the foods I need to keep my body healthy (and plenty of foods to keep my body unhealthy...whatever.) and then I cook them for myself. And I do the dishes after that. And I can get in the car that I bought and almost have paid off and drive wherever I damn well please whenever I want to. THIS IS ASTONISHING! WHO GAVE ME PERMISSION TO BE IN CHARGE OF SOMEONE'S LIFE, EVEN IF THAT PERSON IS MYSELF?!?!?
It was kind of a weird moment, I guess. But it also felt sort of euphoric. Like, I am capable of keeping a human alive! And I just kept wondering when on earth that happened. Because despite the fact that it's been a while since I had someone else taking care of me, it hasn't actually been that long. Ten years ago I was very much dependent on my parents. In fact, ten years ago I couldn't even drive! And now I am taking care of myself pretty damn successfully. It blows. My. Mind.
That whole moment of wonder made me think of entitlement and empowerment and stuff like that. Which made me think of something that someone I used to work for would talk about; we are all empowered. We don't need to be empowered to do things, we already have the power to do things. We just have to realize that about ourselves. He, of course, meant it in the context of an office and how managers don't need to work on helping their employees feel empowered, but rather should be showing them that they already are empowered. But I think it's true in the real world, as well. We are all empowered and can do whatever we want. But sometimes we don't realize it. And depending on things like our gender and our race, the world can make it even harder for us to realize it (and for us to actually do whatever we want). But just remember; you can do anything! You are a grown up (or not) and nobody can stop you and you're doing great!
So there you have it, folks, all the random thoughts that went twirling through my head when I realized that I am self sufficient and possibly a grown up (but probably not) and that I can do whatever I want. Aren't you glad you invested the time to read all that? Maybe not? Oh well. Here's a Beyoncé song for you because there's pretty much a Beyoncé song for everything but there's especially a Beyoncé song for this blog post.
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