On Shame.

A couple of weeks ago I started thinking about shame and how it informs the decisions I make and the way I interact with and present myself to the world.

(Okay, full disclosure, I started drafting this post a reallllly long time ago. Like two months ago. So when I said “a couple of weeks ago” that was really probably in December or something. But then I kind of stopped writing it because I wasn’t sure I’d ever post it. But then at the poetry reading I went to last weekend, Olivia Gatwood started talking about shame and it reminded me about this and I came back to it. So here we go.)

Shame never used to be something that I thought about. It seems like a really harsh concept to me, much stronger than just embarrassment. But a few years ago- when I started seeing a really wonderful therapist in Minnesota- I started connecting some dots about what shame is and how it appears in our lives in different ways. It’s not just about the conscious things we do to avoid awkward situations; shame is, in many cases, the driving factor behind how we act and react.

So anyway, I recently started specifically thinking about shame. And I decided I would check to see if Brené  Brown had any videos about it because she often has videos about things like shame and vulnerability and she’s a really cool and highly intelligent lady who usually has valuable insights to offer. I know I talk about Brené  Brown a lot- if you’re wondering why, maybe read that last sentence again and/or read some of her books and/or watch her TED talks. She’s great.

And wouldn’t you know, she did have a video about shame! (I thought I remembered something about this, so I wasn’t really that surprised, but I also hadn’t ever watched it before.) You can watch that video here- and you should because it’s really good. But the part that stuck out the most to me is when she says “Shame, for women, is this web of unobtainable, conflicting, competing expectations about who we’re supposed to be. And it’s a straight jacket.”

And man, oh man, do I relate to that. I cannot begin to explain how often I have unobtainable, conflicting desires for myself and my life. I want to be a mom. I want to travel the world and have adventures. I want to work somewhere that makes a difference in an area I care about, but I also want to be able to pay off my student loans and...eat...and stuff. I want to write a book, but I also want a job where I can talk to people every day because I like having coworkers to chat with. I want to move somewhere without winters, but I want to be near my family and especially my niece.

It’s complicated. And you can’t have it all. And those are just the things that I want on a personal level; the shame component plays into our culture on a societal level. I’m sure you’re all aware of the fact that stay at home mothers get shamed for not being independent while working mothers get shamed for not devoting enough time to their families, and god forbid a woman choose work instead of starting a family- how could she be so selfish!?!? There’s no beating the shame wagon.

Last weekend (like, ACTAULLY last weekend from right now. As in March 10th), when I went to Olivia Gatwood’s poetry reading, she talked about shame a little bit, too. I wish I’d recorded what she was saying so I could reproduce it here, but I’ll do my best to summarize her: shame is what happens when we are doing whatever we want and think nothing of it, and then some outside force,- some other person- gives us a new perspective on it that gives us new, negative feelings about it. Maybe you were fine with your body until someone else told you that this other type of body is better and now you feel inadequate with what you have. Maybe you had a certain interest or hobby that you really enjoyed and then someone demeaned it in some way and now you are embarrassed about it. That is shame. As women, the world is constantly shaming us for existing. Our menstrual cycles are gross, our sexual desires are inappropriate, if we’re too friendly we’re asking for harassment, if we’re not friendly enough we’re standoffish bitches. We are never good enough for the world.

There is inherent shame in being female.

And that really sucks.

Another component of shame that’s been on my mind are when people say things like “She’s shameless!” or “Have you no shame?!?!” meaning both in a distinctly negative and shaming way. Or even the way we throw around the term “No shame” which implies that there should be shame but we are refusing to bow to it. Shame is, it turns out, a really really big part of our culture and how we interact with the world around us. Imagine for a moment, a world where shame didn’t weigh into our decisions. I think not being as attuned to shame is something that happens naturally a little bit as we get older; our parents used to embarrass us, but now we have no problem laughing at ourselves etc. But shame is a lot more deeply ingrained than just adolescent embarrassment. It’s a whole defining part of how we’ve learned to exist and present ourselves. We feel shame about not making “enough” money, about not getting a promotion that we wanted, about not having travelled extensively or read enough books (okay, I’ve pretty much never had those specific problems, but I’m sure I’ve made other people feel ashamed of themselves in comparison with me in those areas before. Which sucks and is stupid.), about having a crappy car or an old phone or not being able to pay all of our bills all of the time. Shame makes people who are doing their best feel like they aren’t doing enough. And it really sucks.

In case you thought I was going somewhere with all of this, I just want to clarify that this is another one of those times where I’m writing about something without having anything conclusive to say. It’s just something that’s been swirling around in my brain’s spin cycle lately (and for a while now, clearly) and I thought I’d let it out here.

I challenge all of you to take a look at your lives and try to figure out what decisions you’re making based on shame. Think about how shame is informing your actions and your life and see if there’s any way to minimize that. Because, as I’ve said a couple times, shame really sucks.