Move In.

Last fall I read Brené Brown’s book “Braving the Wilderness” and it was a game changer. I already mentioned it in this post about the best books I read last year, but it’s honestly worth its own full post. I think everyone should read this book. Or at least every American over the age of 15 alive right now. It’s important.

The book is all about respecting people and honoring each other’s humanity. Here are the different sections:

1. Everywhere and Nowhere
2. The Quest for True Belonging
3. High Lonesome: A Spiritual Crisis
4. People Are Hare to Hate Close Up. Move In.
5. Speak Truth to Bullshit. Be Civil.
6. Hold Hands. With Strangers.
7. Strong Back. Soft Front. Wild Heart.

Now, some of these sections I didn't really care about. Like the first two. I mean, they were good, but they weren't crazy good. But everything after that was pretty damn incredible.

My favorite section was the "move in" section. In fact, I am very likely going to get that as a tattoo sometime soon (sorry, mom). But to be honest, it was my favorite section before I even read it. Just from the heading of the section, I could tell the Brene was articulating something I have found to be true in my own experience; the more we know people, the harder it is to dislike them. Of course, the opposite is also sometimes true (exhibit A: your annoying little brother), but for the most part, the more we get to know people, the more we identify with the deep humanity of all of their challenges in life.

For me, this realization came during my freshman year of college. I liked and got along with all of the girls on my floor of Nyland Hall...except for one, who drove me nuts. I didn’t hate her or anything, but I just found the way she spoke and acted and interacted with the world to be so incredibly abrasive. It wasn’t at all how I spoke and acted and interacted with the world, and I just felt defensive and preemptively exhausted every time I knew she’d be around. On my floor we had weekly fellowship gatherings and we did a series of “life stories” where each week a pair of roommates would prepare a summary of their life and present it during the fellowship (I don’t know why I’m trying to explain this...I feel like “life stories” is a pretty straightforward concept….whatever). Well we eventually got to the week when the girl who bothered me was telling her life story. And it was intense. She’d had a hard life. When she was a child, people that she should have been able to trust hurt her. It was painful to listen to, and I am still awed at the bravery it took for her to share that with a bunch of young women who were still kind of strangers (this was only a few weeks into our first semester of college, remember). But most importantly, she finally made sense to me. I could understand why a little girl who had learned the hard way not to trust people easily and to stay tough would continue to interact with the world the way this girl did. Before I knew where her attitude came from it seemed really aggressive to me-- and it was-- and I found it totally off-putting. But once I learned why her default mode was more aggressive than I was comfortable with, I realized I could live with it.

Granted, she still wasn’t my favorite person on the floor. And she didn’t become my best friend or anything. But it no longer stressed me out to spend time with her. I could see the humanity where I really hadn’t bothered to before.

Now, that is a kind of extreme example, but it is the most direct and obvious moment I’ve had in my life where I was like “oh look, I found out more about this person and just immediately like them more than I did without them having to actually do something to change my opinion.” I’m sure you’ve all had moments like this, too, whether they’ve been people you knew or just getting closer to any sort of situation at all and being able to see the humanity better.

One recent (and kind of ridiculous) example is after the Super Bowl a couple weeks ago, when everyone watching at my sister’s house was pissed that the Pats didn’t win (I didn’t actually care at all...I was kind of rooting for them, but also I feel like they’ve won enough Super Bowls-especially recently- and I had kiiiiiiinda started rooting for the Eagles at the end...especially since the cameras kept cutting to Bradley Cooper. Yeah, Bradley Cooper’s face didn’t hurt. ANYWAY.) and then my sister caught wind of a story about how some member of the Eagles’ team was the favorite player of a little kid with cancer, and he’d gone to visit the kid as a special treat and then the kid had died, and the player dedicated his season to that kid. And then they went on to win the Super Bowl! For the first time ever! That’s awesome, right?! And my sister said, “Okay, I feel a little better about them winning now, because that’s nice at least.”

And obviously one sportsingball team beating another isn’t really an instance of there being overlooked humanity, but it still seems like a decent example of this to me. A situation that had previously seemed so devastating became bearable because we learned a heartwarming story about the people involved. It’s hard to hate the Eagles for beating Tom Brady when you learn that the win was dedicated to a little kid who died of cancer.

It’s hard to hate people up close.

Let’s all try to move in this year, shall we?

Happy First Day of Shorts!

As you all might have noticed, I’ve been off social media since Lent started on Valentine’s Day. Or maybe you didn’t notice. Or maybe you’re wondering what the hell I’m talking about since you got to this post through my facebook, where I published a link. To be honest, I’m not actually sure why it’s still possible for me to do that, because I signed out of facebook on my phone and had a friend change the password to my account, but even after the password got changed I’m able to share the posts directly from my blog to my facebook without knowing the password or actually signing into facebook at all. I have no idea why it works. It seems like a defect in security to me, but I guess I’m not really about to complain about it since it makes my life easier.

ANYWAY, I’m off (most of) my social media accounts which is pretty refreshing. But also makes me feel really insignificant a lot of the time. I have moments where things happen to me and I’m ready to open up Instagram or snapchat and share the moment with the world. Or at least the 10-50 people who look at my Instagram stories and snaps. But then I realize that I don’t have Instagram stories right now. And I think, “But who will witness this moment, then???” Obviously I am a total product of the twenty-first century and I need to be constantly validated. #Millennials.

But I’m working on it! I am coming to terms with the fact that I don’t need to share every moment with the virtual world. And that is okay. I will live.

And yet, the point of this blog post is to circumvent that whole process and take a minute to say that it is FEBRUARY and I am wearing SHORTS today because the weather forecast for today has HIGHS IN THE SIXTIES! And when it gets into the sixties I wear shorts! No matter how early in the year it is! Even in Minnesota in March, when people would give me funny looks and my friend’s well-meaning mom repeated to me ad nauseam that, “We don’t really wear shorts in March here, Aleena…” I WORE THEM ANYWAY. Because it was in the sixties! And, apparently, I wear shorts even in February. Because I can.

I often post a picture of my legs the first time I wear shorts in any year somewhere on social media, and since that's not an option right now I’m sharing it with all of you here:

Yes, my legs are very pale (but they're super soft, thanks to the bar of Ledgeway Farms goat milk coffee soap I picked up over the weekend!). Yes, I am wearing shorts and standing on ice in the parking lot.

And yes, it is going to snow again in the next couple of days. And that’s okay (if a little disappointing). But it went into the sixties and I went into my attic to take out shorts from storage much sooner than I’d anticipated doing that, and I am about it.

Hope you all enjoy your taste of spring!!

Growing Up.

In January, I went out to eat with a bunch of people in my extended family. I was sitting at the end of the table near the children (my cousins' kids) and one of the little girls started asking me questions. It turned out, what she really wanted to know was whether I was married because she could see that I was wearing a ring. But before she got to that question, she started off with. "Aleena, are you a grown up?"

To which I sort of mumbled a lot and shrugged and said, "I don't know!" Which, of course, really confused the five year old. I tried, "Ask me again in ten years!" But that didn't really help either. So I asked her if she thought I was a grown up, and she said yes. Then I decided to survey the rest of the family because I thought they'd back me up.

To my surprise, when I said, "Hey family, raise your hand if you think I'm a grown up!" pretty much all of them did. My mom and Aunt and Uncles and Grandma, my adult cousin, and even my brother! I was like, "Really?!?!?!" And my mom started saying, "She pays all her bills and bought her own car, and she has insurance-" So I interrupted the list of my very grown up accomplishments to say, "Well, yeah, I'm an ADULT. But am I a grown up?!?!" And then ALL of my relatives were kinda like, ".....Oh. Yeah, maybe not." Which is honestly pretty funny.

Then my aunt said, "Getting old is mandatory but growing up is a choice!" And I can't really argue with that. Especially in my aunt's case.

But anyway, flash forward a month and I was getting ready for work the other day when suddenly I was overcome with the realization that I take care of myself. This should be obvious to me (and everyone else). I mean, I'm nearly twenty-seven years old. It's been a while since I had a primary caregiver who wasn't myself. But it still came as a startling realization in that moment. I take care of myself! I have a job that I work at every day so that I can pay my bills. And then I pay my bills! Early! And I go to the grocery store and buy the foods I need to keep my body healthy (and plenty of foods to keep my body unhealthy...whatever.) and then I cook them for myself. And I do the dishes after that. And I can get in the car that I bought and almost have paid off and drive wherever I damn well please whenever I want to. THIS IS ASTONISHING! WHO GAVE ME PERMISSION TO BE IN CHARGE OF SOMEONE'S LIFE, EVEN IF THAT PERSON IS MYSELF?!?!?

It was kind of a weird moment, I guess. But it also felt sort of euphoric. Like, I am capable of keeping a human alive! And I just kept wondering when on earth that happened. Because despite the fact that it's been a while since I had someone else taking care of me, it hasn't actually been that long. Ten years ago I was very much dependent on my parents. In fact, ten years ago I couldn't even drive! And now I am taking care of myself pretty damn successfully. It blows. My. Mind.

That whole moment of wonder made me think of entitlement and empowerment and stuff like that. Which made me think of something that someone I used to work for would talk about; we are all empowered. We don't need to be empowered to do things, we already have the power to do things. We just have to realize that about ourselves. He, of course, meant it in the context of an office and how managers don't need to work on helping their employees feel empowered, but rather should be showing them that they already are empowered. But I think it's true in the real world, as well. We are all empowered and can do whatever we want. But sometimes we don't realize it. And depending on things like our gender and our race, the world can make it even harder for us to realize it (and for us to actually do whatever we want). But just remember; you can do anything! You are a grown up (or not) and nobody can stop you and you're doing great!

So there you have it, folks, all the random thoughts that went twirling through my head when I realized that I am self sufficient and possibly a grown up (but probably not) and that I can do whatever I want. Aren't you glad you invested the time to read all that? Maybe not? Oh well. Here's a Beyoncé song for you because there's pretty much a Beyoncé song for everything but there's especially a Beyoncé song for this blog post.

On Winter.

It's midwinter right now. Typically, I am not a huge fan, though this winter has been pretty tolerable aside from one week in the middle of January where I thought I might need to curl up into a ball for about three months. But I lived. And it's been slightly better ever since. Potentially because after that week I started using a happy light on my desk at work every morning. Potentially because I've actually been kinda busy, and that always helps a little. Whatever it is, I'm okay with it.

It's nice to not feel like you're in a battle to keep going every single day for months on end.

Take yesterday, for instance; I had to get to the bank and my bank closes right about the same time I get out of work, so after eating lunch I hopped in my car and drove across town to do my banking. It was beautiful and sunny out. My car thermometer told me it was 38° out (although admittedly when I checked my weather app after returning to the office, it said “26° feels like 31°” ... so it maybe wasn't as warm as I thought but I DON'T CARE because the sunshine was warm and glorious!!).  I listened to Beyoncé. On the drive back to work I even opened my windows (and yes, my ears got cold, but I don't care, because for the most part I was comfortable and to be able to drive with the windows down in February and be relatively comfortable brings joy to my soul). It was twenty minutes of deliciousness. It was spring in the middle of winter.

We've reached a point in the year (a couple weeks ago, actually) when the sunset is later than 4:30 here in Hallowell, ME. Which means that when I leave work it is still light out. In fact, because I work at the top of the hill and don't get cast in the shadows of the valley, when I leave work, the sun still shines on me! It is wonderful. It is thrilling.

There are sure to be more snowstorms. And the icy sidewalks aren't going anywhere anytime soon. And it'll be dark and dreary some days. I'll do my best to keep trudging through. I have tickets to a concert in a couple weeks, and a quick trip to DC the week after that. It helps to have things to look forward to- to have warmer destinations to escape to!

Soon enough real spring will be here, and I won't be mad about it. I'm ready.

Last Minute Plans.

Sometimes in life, things come up. Life is crazy and life is precious and we don’t always realize what a tentative grasp we have on it. A couple weeks ago one of my friends lost his father. It was sudden and unexpected and it jarred me even though I hadn’t met the man more than a few times. I knew I wanted to go to the memorial service because that kind of thing matters to me a lot- not memorial services per se, but showing up for people, making an effort to be physically around them when life is hard. But then I found out the service was in Pennsylvania. I briefly considered making the 18 hour round trip drive anyway, but decided pretty quickly that was a bad idea. I also considered flying to DC and then borrowing my friend’s car to drive the 1.5 hours from there. But again, decided that the $300+ tickets for the following weekend were a bit impractical. And so I determined that I wouldn’t be able to make it and came to terms with that reality. 

Then, on Thursday night I got a text message from another friend asking if I was still interested in going down to Pennsylvania for it because he was going to be driving down the following night. And just like that my plans changed.

I have this thing that I do where I come up with plans that are completely impractical and then do them anyway. That’s how I’ve decided to go to Europe like half the times I’ve gone, and that’s how I make smaller decisions, too. And so far in life it’s been working out alright for me. I’m gonna keep sticking with it. So, with less than 24 hours notice I decided that I would, in fact, drive to Pennsylvania for the memorial service. At least it was with another person and not alone!

And also, it was one of my goals for the year to seize presented opportunities and this seemed like an opportunity to show up with support for a friend when I thought I wouldn’t have been able to. It was perfect.

So Friday after work we left. It was a long night. We got to York, PA just before 4:00 Saturday morning (the picture below pretty accurately exhibits how extremely tired I was upon arrival after being up for nearly 24 hours and driving for 9 of them), slept for a few hours at a Motel 6, and pulled ourselves together, did our best to look relatively presentable, and made our way to the funeral home. 

Which was unreal. It was seriously the most beautiful funeral home I’ve ever laid eyes on. I heard from someone that the building used to be a private residence that two elderly sisters lived in and when they passed away they asked that it be used as a home for aged, unmarried women- whether they were never married or were widowed or whatever. No idea how it went from that to a funeral home, but it was seriously beautiful.

The service itself was also beautiful. There were several “remembrances,” and the one my friend gave was a lovely portrait of his father, a man who was complicated just as everyone is, but who loved his children a whole lot and was passionate and witty and delighted in the world around him. My friend’s remembrance was also written in his unique voice and style and had me smiling throughout, despite the sad nature of the circumstances. He didn’t know we were coming down from Maine for it, and the look he gave us when we walked into the room before the service was so full of surprise and disbelief that it made the drive worth it.

After the service we made our way to the local country club and enjoyed a luncheon at a table where we got to meet all sorts of interesting new people. It was a warm and comforting experience for me, and I think for the other people who were there (namely those who knew the deceased much better than I). It was great to spend some time talking to my friend about the time he spent the prior week with his siblings going through their dad’s things, determining what to keep, and going through his poetry, making editorial decisions about them.

And then, less than twelve hours after we arrived in York, we got back in the car and began driving home. Throughout my life, on roadtrips with my family particularly, I’ve found that just riding in a car together is often the most memorable part of a road trip. And while I’m not sure that’s true in this case, it was nice to take time listening to music that I’ve been listening to a lot right now (rap music. Hahahahaha. Like Childish Gambino, Chance the Rapper, and Frank Ocean), and music that I’ve loved forever (like Death Cab for Cutie and the Rent soundtrack), and music that is timeless and empowering (like Beyonce) and even the entirety of the Hamilton soundtrack for the very first time. And it was nice to talk about life and my plans for the coming year and how driving through Newark at night is like the set of a creepy dystopian YA novel. You know, normal conversation stuff.

And then, after getting only eight cumulative hours of sleep in two nights, I got sick for all of last week. But that’s okay. Also, just about everyone I know was sick too, so I might’ve gotten sick regardless. And I lived! Besides, the weather in Pennsylvania was so glorious while we were there I didn't even need to wear a coat. It kinda felt like we drove through the night to get to a tropical vacation. So I deem the whole thing #worthit. Here's a picture of me fully enjoying the sunshine.