Baby Steps Toward Adulthood.

Yesterday I changed the password on the loan account that my mom has been paying for me for the past several years. When it came time for my federal loan grace period to end last spring I signed into my account and figured out how much I'd be paying each month, cringing at how expensive it is to go to college. My grandma paid off one of the two private loans I took out to cover costs after federal aid, and my mom has been taking care of the monthly payments on the remaining one. I am so incredibly grateful to have such generous women helping me out! But yesterday, when I tried to sign in to my private loan account (as I totaled how many dollars in the negative I am worth--and let me tell you, the result wasn't pretty) and accidentally locked myself out necessitating a password reset, I decided that I wouldn't tell my mother the new password. This is my loan and I'm going to own it from now on. All by myself.

Now, I was always planning on taking this debt onto myself, I was just planning on giving myself a few months (to make it through my wedding-filled June) to get more financially stable first. But when the opportunity presented itself yesterday, it seemed like a sign that I should just bite the bullet and take the step toward adulthood now.

As silly as it sounds for this one loan to make that big of a deal to me, it feels pretty symbolic of my independence. I've "been meaning to" take this burden off my mom for a while, and kept putting it off because it sucks to have more bills to pay. (Actually, truth be told I love paying bills! Not that I love spending 90% of a paycheck within an hour of its direct deposit, but the feeling of success that I get from taking care of my finances myself is not insignificant.) But there comes a point when it feels really silly to keep making someone take care of me. I work hard, spend more time at work than anywhere else, make my own money, pay (most of...still on the family phone plan) my own bills, and if that doesn't make me an adult then I don't know what will!

There's the obvious sadness that comes with the knowledge of even less savings/disposable income, but otherwise, I'm feeling pretty thrilled about finally taking charge. It is a good feel, my friends. Since moving to Minnesota, I've been gradually learning that I can do things on my own. I can take care of myself. You don't really realize how much you let people do for you until you've removed yourself from the range of their (non-monetary) assistance. Maybe I'm alone in this among twentysomethings (though I don't think I am...), but every step toward self-sufficiency seems like an amazing accomplishment.

Last year, when I wondered aloud whether my ecstatic pride about adulting was an indication that I'm not actually that much of a grownup, my boss assured me, "That's not true--you'll continue to have that feeling for decades!" I hope he's right, because it sure does feel good to feel good about my accomplishments, insignificant though they may be.