Reflections on 25.

Tomorrow I will turn twenty-six. I am not that excited about it.

Actually, I was equally disturbed a year ago when I turned twenty-five and it ended up not being that bad. But with each year that comes, I turn an age that seems like a more grown up age than I am ready to accept for myself. A year ago, twenty-five seemed too old for someone who was still living the life of a twenty-two-year-old. But now, twenty-five seems pretty normal and it is twenty-six that is intimidating and weird.

Really, what it comes down to is that every year I think, "I can't be *insert number in the twenties here*!! Twenty-_____ year olds have their shit together! And I don't!!!"

And yet every year I learn that people who are that age really don't have their shit together. Or at least I still don't. But people don't really seem to be judging me for it (or if they do, it's not in a way I can perceive) which leads me to believe that it's pretty normal.

It's still scary though. And it really doesn't help when I fall into the Facebook trap of looking up a zillion people I went to college with and getting glimpses into their very adult-ish lives. Why do I know so many people who are my age and married?!?! How do I know so many people who are my age and working at seriously grown-up jobs and/or jobs that really make a difference in the world and/or include health insurance?!?! Am I the only person who feels guilty about not having started saving for retirement yet??? OR am I the only person my age who hasn't started saving for retirement yet?!?!?! (Also, can we just spend a minute appreciating how unfair it is that people are supposed to start saving for retirement well before they finish paying for college? Thank you.)

Anyway. Twenty-five has treated me relatively well. I took a solo road trip across the country and lived to tell about it (and not tell, since I only ever posted about the first half of my trip-whoops). My sister had a baby so now I'm an aunt and it's basically my favorite even though my niece recently started making noises that lead me to believe she may be possessed by a demon. I'm making moves toward having a grown up job. For instance, I've applied to some grown up jobs. (For the record, a grown up job, to me, is something that includes health insurance and ideally is salaried.) Unclear whether anything will come of these applications, but it feels like progress all the same. And really, I guess small steps of progress are all I can accomplish right now.

In other ways, I feel like I slid backward on the scale of adulthood during my twenty-fifth year. I'm living at home again. The end of my temp job is fast approaching, so I spend insane amounts of time trying to figure out what I'm going to do next. I don't have friends in the area, so I only spend time with my family (and I love them, but it's still kinda rough). I don't feel like I'm moving forward.

Maybe that saying about the journey vs. the destination means that we're never grown up, we're just constantly growing up. Maybe nobody ever feels like they've made it to the land of adulthood.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say with this post. I guess I'm just admitting that I don't know what the hell I'm doing with myself, and hoping that others feel the same. I guess I'm just letting it release some of my anxieties.

So here's to twenty-six. May it bring security and self assurance and hopefully a grown up job!

(Also, if any of you know of any jobs that meet my standards for grown-up-ness and are hiring and you think I'm qualified for them, please let me know!)