Growing Up.

In January, I went out to eat with a bunch of people in my extended family. I was sitting at the end of the table near the children (my cousins' kids) and one of the little girls started asking me questions. It turned out, what she really wanted to know was whether I was married because she could see that I was wearing a ring. But before she got to that question, she started off with. "Aleena, are you a grown up?"

To which I sort of mumbled a lot and shrugged and said, "I don't know!" Which, of course, really confused the five year old. I tried, "Ask me again in ten years!" But that didn't really help either. So I asked her if she thought I was a grown up, and she said yes. Then I decided to survey the rest of the family because I thought they'd back me up.

To my surprise, when I said, "Hey family, raise your hand if you think I'm a grown up!" pretty much all of them did. My mom and Aunt and Uncles and Grandma, my adult cousin, and even my brother! I was like, "Really?!?!?!" And my mom started saying, "She pays all her bills and bought her own car, and she has insurance-" So I interrupted the list of my very grown up accomplishments to say, "Well, yeah, I'm an ADULT. But am I a grown up?!?!" And then ALL of my relatives were kinda like, ".....Oh. Yeah, maybe not." Which is honestly pretty funny.

Then my aunt said, "Getting old is mandatory but growing up is a choice!" And I can't really argue with that. Especially in my aunt's case.

But anyway, flash forward a month and I was getting ready for work the other day when suddenly I was overcome with the realization that I take care of myself. This should be obvious to me (and everyone else). I mean, I'm nearly twenty-seven years old. It's been a while since I had a primary caregiver who wasn't myself. But it still came as a startling realization in that moment. I take care of myself! I have a job that I work at every day so that I can pay my bills. And then I pay my bills! Early! And I go to the grocery store and buy the foods I need to keep my body healthy (and plenty of foods to keep my body unhealthy...whatever.) and then I cook them for myself. And I do the dishes after that. And I can get in the car that I bought and almost have paid off and drive wherever I damn well please whenever I want to. THIS IS ASTONISHING! WHO GAVE ME PERMISSION TO BE IN CHARGE OF SOMEONE'S LIFE, EVEN IF THAT PERSON IS MYSELF?!?!?

It was kind of a weird moment, I guess. But it also felt sort of euphoric. Like, I am capable of keeping a human alive! And I just kept wondering when on earth that happened. Because despite the fact that it's been a while since I had someone else taking care of me, it hasn't actually been that long. Ten years ago I was very much dependent on my parents. In fact, ten years ago I couldn't even drive! And now I am taking care of myself pretty damn successfully. It blows. My. Mind.

That whole moment of wonder made me think of entitlement and empowerment and stuff like that. Which made me think of something that someone I used to work for would talk about; we are all empowered. We don't need to be empowered to do things, we already have the power to do things. We just have to realize that about ourselves. He, of course, meant it in the context of an office and how managers don't need to work on helping their employees feel empowered, but rather should be showing them that they already are empowered. But I think it's true in the real world, as well. We are all empowered and can do whatever we want. But sometimes we don't realize it. And depending on things like our gender and our race, the world can make it even harder for us to realize it (and for us to actually do whatever we want). But just remember; you can do anything! You are a grown up (or not) and nobody can stop you and you're doing great!

So there you have it, folks, all the random thoughts that went twirling through my head when I realized that I am self sufficient and possibly a grown up (but probably not) and that I can do whatever I want. Aren't you glad you invested the time to read all that? Maybe not? Oh well. Here's a Beyoncé song for you because there's pretty much a Beyoncé song for everything but there's especially a Beyoncé song for this blog post.

On Winter.

It's midwinter right now. Typically, I am not a huge fan, though this winter has been pretty tolerable aside from one week in the middle of January where I thought I might need to curl up into a ball for about three months. But I lived. And it's been slightly better ever since. Potentially because after that week I started using a happy light on my desk at work every morning. Potentially because I've actually been kinda busy, and that always helps a little. Whatever it is, I'm okay with it.

It's nice to not feel like you're in a battle to keep going every single day for months on end.

Take yesterday, for instance; I had to get to the bank and my bank closes right about the same time I get out of work, so after eating lunch I hopped in my car and drove across town to do my banking. It was beautiful and sunny out. My car thermometer told me it was 38° out (although admittedly when I checked my weather app after returning to the office, it said “26° feels like 31°” ... so it maybe wasn't as warm as I thought but I DON'T CARE because the sunshine was warm and glorious!!).  I listened to Beyoncé. On the drive back to work I even opened my windows (and yes, my ears got cold, but I don't care, because for the most part I was comfortable and to be able to drive with the windows down in February and be relatively comfortable brings joy to my soul). It was twenty minutes of deliciousness. It was spring in the middle of winter.

We've reached a point in the year (a couple weeks ago, actually) when the sunset is later than 4:30 here in Hallowell, ME. Which means that when I leave work it is still light out. In fact, because I work at the top of the hill and don't get cast in the shadows of the valley, when I leave work, the sun still shines on me! It is wonderful. It is thrilling.

There are sure to be more snowstorms. And the icy sidewalks aren't going anywhere anytime soon. And it'll be dark and dreary some days. I'll do my best to keep trudging through. I have tickets to a concert in a couple weeks, and a quick trip to DC the week after that. It helps to have things to look forward to- to have warmer destinations to escape to!

Soon enough real spring will be here, and I won't be mad about it. I'm ready.

Last Minute Plans.

Sometimes in life, things come up. Life is crazy and life is precious and we don’t always realize what a tentative grasp we have on it. A couple weeks ago one of my friends lost his father. It was sudden and unexpected and it jarred me even though I hadn’t met the man more than a few times. I knew I wanted to go to the memorial service because that kind of thing matters to me a lot- not memorial services per se, but showing up for people, making an effort to be physically around them when life is hard. But then I found out the service was in Pennsylvania. I briefly considered making the 18 hour round trip drive anyway, but decided pretty quickly that was a bad idea. I also considered flying to DC and then borrowing my friend’s car to drive the 1.5 hours from there. But again, decided that the $300+ tickets for the following weekend were a bit impractical. And so I determined that I wouldn’t be able to make it and came to terms with that reality. 

Then, on Thursday night I got a text message from another friend asking if I was still interested in going down to Pennsylvania for it because he was going to be driving down the following night. And just like that my plans changed.

I have this thing that I do where I come up with plans that are completely impractical and then do them anyway. That’s how I’ve decided to go to Europe like half the times I’ve gone, and that’s how I make smaller decisions, too. And so far in life it’s been working out alright for me. I’m gonna keep sticking with it. So, with less than 24 hours notice I decided that I would, in fact, drive to Pennsylvania for the memorial service. At least it was with another person and not alone!

And also, it was one of my goals for the year to seize presented opportunities and this seemed like an opportunity to show up with support for a friend when I thought I wouldn’t have been able to. It was perfect.

So Friday after work we left. It was a long night. We got to York, PA just before 4:00 Saturday morning (the picture below pretty accurately exhibits how extremely tired I was upon arrival after being up for nearly 24 hours and driving for 9 of them), slept for a few hours at a Motel 6, and pulled ourselves together, did our best to look relatively presentable, and made our way to the funeral home. 

Which was unreal. It was seriously the most beautiful funeral home I’ve ever laid eyes on. I heard from someone that the building used to be a private residence that two elderly sisters lived in and when they passed away they asked that it be used as a home for aged, unmarried women- whether they were never married or were widowed or whatever. No idea how it went from that to a funeral home, but it was seriously beautiful.

The service itself was also beautiful. There were several “remembrances,” and the one my friend gave was a lovely portrait of his father, a man who was complicated just as everyone is, but who loved his children a whole lot and was passionate and witty and delighted in the world around him. My friend’s remembrance was also written in his unique voice and style and had me smiling throughout, despite the sad nature of the circumstances. He didn’t know we were coming down from Maine for it, and the look he gave us when we walked into the room before the service was so full of surprise and disbelief that it made the drive worth it.

After the service we made our way to the local country club and enjoyed a luncheon at a table where we got to meet all sorts of interesting new people. It was a warm and comforting experience for me, and I think for the other people who were there (namely those who knew the deceased much better than I). It was great to spend some time talking to my friend about the time he spent the prior week with his siblings going through their dad’s things, determining what to keep, and going through his poetry, making editorial decisions about them.

And then, less than twelve hours after we arrived in York, we got back in the car and began driving home. Throughout my life, on roadtrips with my family particularly, I’ve found that just riding in a car together is often the most memorable part of a road trip. And while I’m not sure that’s true in this case, it was nice to take time listening to music that I’ve been listening to a lot right now (rap music. Hahahahaha. Like Childish Gambino, Chance the Rapper, and Frank Ocean), and music that I’ve loved forever (like Death Cab for Cutie and the Rent soundtrack), and music that is timeless and empowering (like Beyonce) and even the entirety of the Hamilton soundtrack for the very first time. And it was nice to talk about life and my plans for the coming year and how driving through Newark at night is like the set of a creepy dystopian YA novel. You know, normal conversation stuff.

And then, after getting only eight cumulative hours of sleep in two nights, I got sick for all of last week. But that’s okay. Also, just about everyone I know was sick too, so I might’ve gotten sick regardless. And I lived! Besides, the weather in Pennsylvania was so glorious while we were there I didn't even need to wear a coat. It kinda felt like we drove through the night to get to a tropical vacation. So I deem the whole thing #worthit. Here's a picture of me fully enjoying the sunshine.