On Winter.

It's midwinter right now. Typically, I am not a huge fan, though this winter has been pretty tolerable aside from one week in the middle of January where I thought I might need to curl up into a ball for about three months. But I lived. And it's been slightly better ever since. Potentially because after that week I started using a happy light on my desk at work every morning. Potentially because I've actually been kinda busy, and that always helps a little. Whatever it is, I'm okay with it.

It's nice to not feel like you're in a battle to keep going every single day for months on end.

Take yesterday, for instance; I had to get to the bank and my bank closes right about the same time I get out of work, so after eating lunch I hopped in my car and drove across town to do my banking. It was beautiful and sunny out. My car thermometer told me it was 38° out (although admittedly when I checked my weather app after returning to the office, it said “26° feels like 31°” ... so it maybe wasn't as warm as I thought but I DON'T CARE because the sunshine was warm and glorious!!).  I listened to Beyoncé. On the drive back to work I even opened my windows (and yes, my ears got cold, but I don't care, because for the most part I was comfortable and to be able to drive with the windows down in February and be relatively comfortable brings joy to my soul). It was twenty minutes of deliciousness. It was spring in the middle of winter.

We've reached a point in the year (a couple weeks ago, actually) when the sunset is later than 4:30 here in Hallowell, ME. Which means that when I leave work it is still light out. In fact, because I work at the top of the hill and don't get cast in the shadows of the valley, when I leave work, the sun still shines on me! It is wonderful. It is thrilling.

There are sure to be more snowstorms. And the icy sidewalks aren't going anywhere anytime soon. And it'll be dark and dreary some days. I'll do my best to keep trudging through. I have tickets to a concert in a couple weeks, and a quick trip to DC the week after that. It helps to have things to look forward to- to have warmer destinations to escape to!

Soon enough real spring will be here, and I won't be mad about it. I'm ready.

Last Minute Plans.

Sometimes in life, things come up. Life is crazy and life is precious and we don’t always realize what a tentative grasp we have on it. A couple weeks ago one of my friends lost his father. It was sudden and unexpected and it jarred me even though I hadn’t met the man more than a few times. I knew I wanted to go to the memorial service because that kind of thing matters to me a lot- not memorial services per se, but showing up for people, making an effort to be physically around them when life is hard. But then I found out the service was in Pennsylvania. I briefly considered making the 18 hour round trip drive anyway, but decided pretty quickly that was a bad idea. I also considered flying to DC and then borrowing my friend’s car to drive the 1.5 hours from there. But again, decided that the $300+ tickets for the following weekend were a bit impractical. And so I determined that I wouldn’t be able to make it and came to terms with that reality. 

Then, on Thursday night I got a text message from another friend asking if I was still interested in going down to Pennsylvania for it because he was going to be driving down the following night. And just like that my plans changed.

I have this thing that I do where I come up with plans that are completely impractical and then do them anyway. That’s how I’ve decided to go to Europe like half the times I’ve gone, and that’s how I make smaller decisions, too. And so far in life it’s been working out alright for me. I’m gonna keep sticking with it. So, with less than 24 hours notice I decided that I would, in fact, drive to Pennsylvania for the memorial service. At least it was with another person and not alone!

And also, it was one of my goals for the year to seize presented opportunities and this seemed like an opportunity to show up with support for a friend when I thought I wouldn’t have been able to. It was perfect.

So Friday after work we left. It was a long night. We got to York, PA just before 4:00 Saturday morning (the picture below pretty accurately exhibits how extremely tired I was upon arrival after being up for nearly 24 hours and driving for 9 of them), slept for a few hours at a Motel 6, and pulled ourselves together, did our best to look relatively presentable, and made our way to the funeral home. 

Which was unreal. It was seriously the most beautiful funeral home I’ve ever laid eyes on. I heard from someone that the building used to be a private residence that two elderly sisters lived in and when they passed away they asked that it be used as a home for aged, unmarried women- whether they were never married or were widowed or whatever. No idea how it went from that to a funeral home, but it was seriously beautiful.

The service itself was also beautiful. There were several “remembrances,” and the one my friend gave was a lovely portrait of his father, a man who was complicated just as everyone is, but who loved his children a whole lot and was passionate and witty and delighted in the world around him. My friend’s remembrance was also written in his unique voice and style and had me smiling throughout, despite the sad nature of the circumstances. He didn’t know we were coming down from Maine for it, and the look he gave us when we walked into the room before the service was so full of surprise and disbelief that it made the drive worth it.

After the service we made our way to the local country club and enjoyed a luncheon at a table where we got to meet all sorts of interesting new people. It was a warm and comforting experience for me, and I think for the other people who were there (namely those who knew the deceased much better than I). It was great to spend some time talking to my friend about the time he spent the prior week with his siblings going through their dad’s things, determining what to keep, and going through his poetry, making editorial decisions about them.

And then, less than twelve hours after we arrived in York, we got back in the car and began driving home. Throughout my life, on roadtrips with my family particularly, I’ve found that just riding in a car together is often the most memorable part of a road trip. And while I’m not sure that’s true in this case, it was nice to take time listening to music that I’ve been listening to a lot right now (rap music. Hahahahaha. Like Childish Gambino, Chance the Rapper, and Frank Ocean), and music that I’ve loved forever (like Death Cab for Cutie and the Rent soundtrack), and music that is timeless and empowering (like Beyonce) and even the entirety of the Hamilton soundtrack for the very first time. And it was nice to talk about life and my plans for the coming year and how driving through Newark at night is like the set of a creepy dystopian YA novel. You know, normal conversation stuff.

And then, after getting only eight cumulative hours of sleep in two nights, I got sick for all of last week. But that’s okay. Also, just about everyone I know was sick too, so I might’ve gotten sick regardless. And I lived! Besides, the weather in Pennsylvania was so glorious while we were there I didn't even need to wear a coat. It kinda felt like we drove through the night to get to a tropical vacation. So I deem the whole thing #worthit. Here's a picture of me fully enjoying the sunshine.

New Year New Goals.

So we are into our third week of the new year. This millennium is now an adult! Last year felt like it lasted only a month. I remember New Years Eve 2016 like it was yesterday. Years are weird like that. Time is weird like that. In the past twelve months so much happened and yet nothing much changed and also some things changed in every way imaginable. Life is weird like that.

I still live at home. I'm creeping up on 27 years old and I never thought I would be living at home as an adult, but here I am. And I like it fine, although I really need to find a new adventure. I've promised myself I'll live somewhere new in 2018. I'm not sure yet what that will look like, but it may look like the Peace Corps (if I ever finish and submit an application *eye roll*), it may look like moving somewhere warmer but still in the United States. Really, I have no idea what I'm going to do yet. But it's time to do something.

I have something close to a "grown up job" but not quite. I'm still a temp. But I did sign up for health insurance this year, so now I have that again, which is cool. That's pretty grown up! Maybe?

Anyway, as with every year, I took the first couple of weeks thinking about what I want my goals for the year to be. I figure there's no rush to have them all sorted for January first and then stop even trying before the month is over. Instead, right around when everybody else is moving on from their goals, I am getting ready to dive in.

So over the weekend I spent some time going over, refining, and adding to my list of goals for this year. Then last night, I typed them up on my trusty typewriter (probably the first time I've used it since I typed up my 2017 goals...whoops. Gonna try to type out more things this year! Though that's not one of my official goals...) and changed out last year's list for this year's on the back of my bedroom door. It's all about visibility, ya know?

I'm not going to post my full list here, but I will say that my number one goal is to look for wonder moments. I decided my hashtag theme for the year is going to be #everythingismagic. I've been trying to appreciate the little moments of beauty in my days, especially in the winter, because it's easy to not notice things. I've been hyper aware lately of how much wonder people seem to have for the world around them and how much I'm missing. I'm trying to be amazed again. I'm trying to notice things. I'm trying to remind myself that it's okay to be easily amused.

Here are some things that have caught my eye as being wonder full and aesthetically lovely lately.